I find myself dreaming of the life I could have. My goals. Like, what if I start a candle business. It seems like a logical progression from my 2019 summer of wanting to learn pottery (I was in a winter class right before COVID hit) and then I learned to make papier-mache candle holders during quarantine. I want to make my own shapes but not have to rely on a kiln or bulky pounds of clay to do it! 

I’ve already gone over and over in my head the products I’d sell, the types of photoshoots I’d want to do — the brand.

If I write it down will it make it easier to make happen? I read something earlier today that said a dream you write out becomes a plan. I need a plan. Part of manifestation is visualizing to the point of creating your own reality. I want to create a second income for myself and become independent of the job I have now, one that doesn’t bring me joy. I want to create many things – candles, paper flowers for backdrops, embroidery on delicate sun soaked linens, plan rooms that suit my aesthetic, put shells on things. I want to create worlds of beauty that don’t require technology. No computers. No social media. Just hands on creativity.

But I feel like I’m waiting for someone to give me permission to do it. It’s something I’ve been working on. I can get lost in the details and not JUST DO IT. I’ll purchase countless books on a subject but never actually create the thing that keeps me up at night – the idea running through my head, screaming at me to make it. Sometimes I wonder if that’s a product of singledome. When I had a partner he championed my ideas and always encouraged all my endeavors. I don’t have a cheerleader now. I have to learn to be my own cheerleader and find strength within.

I deleted my Instagram in hopes of finding my creative spark again. Not that long ago, okay now a full decade, I was making just to free the ideas trapped inside me. Painting fashion, needle-felting animal toys, designing greeting cards. I miss that young woman’s spark so so much.

I have been having a lot of uncomfortable dreams lately and they all speak to me not being true to myself.

My grandmother (left, beige fur coat) is always in my the back of mind my mind. It’s been 20 years since she passed but her enterprising spirit still inspires me, now more than ever. In 1959, at age 39 she picked up the phone and started a string of events that would lead to her founding a broadway theatre league. One that is still operational today. I am 36 in March. I feel so much the desire to begin again just as she did.

So here’s to 2021 and my candles. My creativity. My finding that beautiful world, even if I create it for myself and it doesn’t bring me monetary compensation. Here’s to honoring my grandmother’s legacy and making her proud.